The In-Between

HELLO BEAUTIFUL,

I’m swirling with both simple and complex thoughts today. I’m also caught up in the notion that I don’t want to write about any of that - instead I want to speak of silly, feel-good things - like cats, and rainbow-colored balloons, and embarrassing stories of people doing embarrassing things where everyone laughs and no one feels bad. Is there such a thing, such a perfect example of embarrassment gone delightfully well? I’m not sure. Let’s find out. I’ll share one of my most embarrassing moments with you.

Ahh….where to start?

I was going to school, college - in a lovely little university town. There was a trail up the sloping side of a mountain behind the university, a trail for people to walk or hike or climb, and some days in the spring, after my classes were over, I liked to drive my little black car over to the trail parking lot, park and gather my things, change my clothes - usually into a pair of super short running spandex and a long-sleeved loose top ( I thought I was very cool back then, a little too cool in my unnecessarily short shorts, and perhaps this is the root of all embarrassing experiences; a loss of perspective, wink-wink ) and commence - I popped on my headphones, entered into my own little private world of music, slipped on my running shoes, tied my laces, locked my car - and up the trail I went.

It was a beautiful afternoon.

The sun was shining, the breeze was cool - I had no attachments, no responsibilities, and a family and close circle of friends who loved me and supported me in every way. Perhaps embarrassment exists to help pull people out of their own micro-world, and into into the larger pulsing-world?

Here is what occurred:

I sailed up the trail without issue. I stopped and walked only a couple of times, and only near the very top, as the trail grew steeper. I’m sure I saw some other runners / walkers / hikers - but I don’t remember. The only people I remember seeing - were the two really good-looking guys.

Friend here’s where the story could go any one of multiple ways. Perhaps you would not have thought these two boys? men? - interesting. Perhaps, depending on your age, you would have thought them too young, or too old - to be attractive. Perhaps you are not attracted to boys / sorta men anyway. Perhaps you wouldn’t have noticed them at all, because you had other, more important thoughts on your mind; you were receiving a raise at work, because you had worked hard, and were instead thinking about the new, larger apartment you could now probably afford; or perhaps your father had just been diagnosed with lung cancer, and you were instead thinking about the ways in which you would be called upon to assist, and must assist. Whether overjoyed or overwhelmed - you may have responded differently - to the sight of two young-twenty-something guys with their shirts off, jogging leisurely up the side of a hill….

I responded seriously, deliberately - ridiculous in every way. I zipped right up inside the innermost part of my ego and thought “I’ll make sure they see me too.” Disaster will strike.

I sped up. I was now descending, jogging down the mountain - and they were encroaching, jogging up, towards me on the trail. I wanted them to see how “intensely” I was working out. I wanted them to think, “wow, she’s in such great shape, and so beautiful, perfect in every way.” Friend as I write these words now, I cringe in the most impossibly uncomfortable way. I know; get over yourself! Alas, this did not occur to me then as a note-worthy ideation.

I have no idea if they actually noticed me in my glorious moments before the fall. They seemed to be casually jogging and talking with one another, in all likelihood paying no attention to me. What I do know - is that they did, eventually - notice me. As we were nearing one another, our paths coming together and nearly crossing on the trail - I was suddenly smacked with an appalling sense of impending doom, micro-moments before the reality materialized.

We did lock eyes - I mean I must have locked eyes with at least one of them - because I remember it made the whole thing even that much more unbearable. And I think I tried to smile, some sort of stupidly affected “girly” smile, which in another place and time might have conveyed my intended message, “Oh hey….see how cute I am???” But even as I was trying to keep it all together, it was simultaneously falling apart. I tripped.

I’d sped up to impress - but was now running too fast. Turns out I’m really not that cool. I literally tripped - the most awkward, graceless, wonky, flip-flopping sideways maneuver - I have ever experienced.

Stupid rock.

It sent me catapulting; rolling and sliding, skidding on rocks and gravel and all sorts of God knows what, covering myself in dirt, and muck, and shame. I landed, finally slowed to a lulling lurch - right at their feet. I was on the ground and they were literally there - right above, looking down - at me. It was terrible - terror-filled; the death of an ego. Imagine sad music playing.

Of course they were terribly nice - which made it horribly worse, and they offered to help me back to my car - but I rejected them. Because that is what fallen egos do. I didn’t lift my head, I didn’t look at them again - I hobbled down the rest of the trail back to my car and I plotted revenge against the universe. Then I cried.

Alone in my car I cried quite hard really; sobs and such, feeling foolish in the way that makes your throat stop up and causes a heaviness to sink and settle, the bottom of your heart being tugged under by defeat, truth and the gift of defeat. I then returned home, dodging my roommates / friends, to patch up my bloodied and bruised knees, legs, hands, elbows and side. Yes, I survived.

Moral of the story: perspective is crucial - remember who it is that you are, and who it is you are not. For in the in-between - lies peace of mind, growth and possibility.

I hope you’re laughing as hard as I am. Love you friend,