Oh Boy!

Hello beautiful,

Oh boy do I have news for you, and I mean boy, as in capital B.O.Y. It turns out I’m a fraud.

It’s not a She - it’s a He.

I thought I was having a baby girl, I was so sure I was having a baby girl - I said I KNEW it was so… as in fact, gospel, truth. But it turns out this little being has chosen differently. Oh I should’ve seen this coming! ( Maybe I should stop projecting?? ) It quite literally takes my breath away. Breathless - as in - “gasping for breath,” due to “strong feelings.” I mashed that definition together a bit, you may have picked up on that - but let’s get to the point!

Being wrong about having a girl, having instead a baby boy - frightens me.

Did you know that I was pregnant? Yes, yes you did - I believe you did, if my other letters have found their way to you. Oh but what does that matter?! Can I share a deep, dark secret with you?

I don’t always feel human - but I am human here, in this realm. And along with that, along with human-ness, comes all these human fears. I have so many fears.

Fear is a shadow, the underside of light - an illusion really. But not here, it doesn’t seem that way here on earth. Here it seems fear has been given great power. It was done this way, to protect us. I know this seems impossibly strange. But fear, in truth, is a great, tremendous gift. The gift is within the opportunity - to evolve. Because through evolution we come to understand what we really are. It takes all those steps, all those pieces coming together, for us to fully comprehend. For us to grasp - within every particle of our thrumming, molecularly-strung being - that we cannot be brought down, that we cannot be overcome, that we cannot be disfigured, disturbed, dismantled in any way - that death does not exist, that death - like fear - is an illusion. That we are immortal beings with immortal dreams being instantaneously and irrevocably made whole; those dreams already dreamt and achieved. See how I’m trying to figure this out as we go?

There is another - an other, a human being, growing in my belly. I express as female, but this being will express as male. How could I get this wrong? How could I not know?

We’ve split on this planet, and we must find our way back. We’ve split into female, into male - into so many beautiful “differences” - and we must find our way back to remembering, to remembering all those shifts, those beautiful distortions, are but the fraying ends of an everlasting thread. I’ve mentioned this before, this one-thread business - but today as I write these words, I say it to myself. I am truly, earthly - as in by and through an earth-form-experience - humbled.

Humanity is suffering, but it doesn’t have to. I am, at times, suffering - as a human with these great, big fears - but I don’t have to. There is such power in letting go.

I thought it would be a girl, I dreamt of having a baby girl. I saw her in my private mind’s eye and I loved her with all my heart. I could not wait to hold her, to be with her, to look into her eyes and to feel her looking back - here and now - both creatures of this earth place; but this dream will never come to pass. For what I forgot to remember is that a dream is weaved, is braided together - with all the other dreams. Together we are dreaming one great, giant, earth dream. This new being zapping into existence - my son - at this precise turn of the curve, at this precise phase of the earth’s personality, of humanity’s cosmic familiarity; a pinpointed entry - has a dream; too this being beams with such infinite possibility. I forgot to remember not all choices are mine, not all manifestations of my human condition up to me; for there is no me. I am a spark of light; light - energy; and energy - divine connectivity. We cannot be divided, dissolved, made less; fractured, cut in half, cut permanently in any way; reduced. We are a force. We can change forms, take shape, shift, transpose, transfer, but eliminate? - this cannot be; we dream together. I dream with all the others. I cannot cancel out my highest possibility, or the highest possibility of any-one-other, by dreaming individually.

We co-create together.

Gender is irrelevant, an energetic vibration - no different than skin color, eye color, hair color - I’m coming to see this clearly. Gender - while having a great earth-purpose; its two opposing parts - is a also a mere illusion; a phantasm of this earth-realm’s dust. This being, this child I love, will exude as male - for this male “aspect” of its external being, of its external manifestation on this planet - is part of its dream, is part of the world’s dream, is part of my dream; of our collective, highest vision. I couldn’t understand this, when I believed I was dreaming individually, only for me.

How wonderful a thing, that grandeur exists - that the universe can dream bigger; a brighter existence - than you can dream for yourself; than any one human could ever dream independently. And how fortunate a fact, that we can never be relieved of our connectivity - even if, at times - it causes us great swells of fear, of confusion and pain.

Through the storm, paradise lies waiting.

I LOVE that this child will be a boy, that this child is a boy. And I’m just beginning to understand, to truly grasp, how big our love should grow; how big it’s meant - to expand.

Thank you friend, for listening. Thank you for being a part of this great, big, churning universe. Being human with you is an awfully big adventure. I think of sailing on an ocean of stars.

Love,