Snowy Day

Hello Beautiful,

It’s winter. Or at least it feels like winter, where I live. There is snow everywhere. The days are somewhat warm, but the trees have all gone quiet. It is supposed to be fall still, but even as I write the snowflakes are trickling.

I have a sad feeling. And I’m not entirely sure why. Where are you? What are you doing? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could dress in fresh, clean clothes, something loose and iridescent, sparkling in the light - and walk to one another, if we could walk through this time and space? We could sit together and try, collectively - two minds are always greater than one - to figure this all out. We could try to break the code, the code of why???

Why all this murky confusion? Why all this doubting? Yes I have my doubts, my “what if it doesn’t all work outs.” It’s the color blue, a blue almost devoid of color, the hue of a pale blue as it leaves the tip of a paintbrush gone dry - this feeling. This feeling is a withering blue, and it feels lumpy and cold. I don’t want it inside of me, I want it to leave. Have you ever tried to eradicate a feeling? It can be done.

You place your hand over the part of your body that hurts, that aches - this feeling rests in my chest, in the space around my heart, I feel it there hovering. It’s a smothering tightness that makes my chest feel three sizes too small; this pale blue aching, this suffocating nothingness.

Now - I will pull it out.

My hand, the palm of my hand resting atop the center of my chest between the divot of two crests, becomes a vacuum. The palm of my flat hand atop the center of my chest becomes a vacuum and gently, but firmly, pulls the blue sadness from me, from within my own chest. And it comes easily, the sadness, in swirling blue wisps.

Now I have the bulk of it, and I am holding it as it returns to its former form; a lump of cold, blue, ugliness. It’s moving slightly, writhing and wiggling, it has a vibration - but I’m in control.

It fits now, in the palm of my cupped hand. It must, it always does. It conforms to its container in space. I created it, or perhaps I let it in - but it had my permission to exist - and it nestled up against and all around my heart because that is where it could be heard, where it could be felt. It wanted my attention. It wants to be taken in.

So I talk to it. I am crying.

Through the quiet hush of my mind, my attention toward it is pushed. I speak to it silently, with tenderness. It wants to be calmed.

I say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

I say “I see you, I see you plainly for what you are, and I am here, I will never leave you.”

I say to this feeling, “All is well, all is as it should be.”

I say “Thank you, thank you for making me aware, I know you are a precious miracle in disguise, wearing that awful mask because you’ve tried and tried, because you’ve nothing left, because your force is spent.”

I change the vibration, I change this feeling. I say “I’m proud of you, you’ve come so far. And now you’re here, and I am here too. I love you.”

It begins to melt. In fact it’s been melting all along. The blue lump of cold nothingness drips away, drips to something else - and I see now (or perhaps “I imagine;” use whatever word you wish) the hues of pink and gold and orange. They are warm and tingly, they feel friendly, they are lightweight, almost free of density. They zip and zing slightly, almost looking up at me; like a shimmering sunrise. It greets me, this new vibration - with a twinkling wink; a freshness renewed and glistening.

Then I release it. I extend my hand upward and pop my palm. The new thing, a glowing sunrise ball, still a vibration of feeling - lifts off, flutters and gently flies away. Like a butterfly, I imagine it this way. And disappears; it’s gone.

I feel relief. I’m left feeling at ease. The sadness, the ache - is cleansed. And I suppose you could say I’m left feeling this way too, cleansed. I feel clean.

I imagine a soft white light filling the vacant space around my heart, where the sadness once sat, and the task is now complete. The congestion is relieved; my heartache is healed.

Oh it may come back, it always does - I mean after all, this is life; this is human life - we were made to transform energy. We were made to raise the vibration of this world through our feelings, through taking something painful and transforming it to something beautiful. So, when I’m feeling low, when again it seems winters’ come too soon and the weight of all my failures and inadequacies is overpowering - again, I should sit and cleanse the feeling. You should too. It’s as simple as that.

I need to go now, but friend - remember, you’re not suppose to feel bad, not permanently. Whenever you feel a bad feeling - look at it directly, thank it (in truth it is your friend) and remove it. You can transform it. And I’m not talking poetically, I mean literally. Get it the fuck out. It doesn’t belong there forever. It just wants your attention, it wants your help.

I LOVE YOU.