Hold On With Me

Hey Beautiful,

I need to tell you something. I think about suicide. A LOT.

I think about taking my life, snuffing out the light… almost every day. Isn’t that something?

Well it’s true. I think about silencing this noise in my mind, this gelatinous, gooey, messy brain, with some blunt force. A bullet makes the most sense. But I don’t have access to a gun. Thank goodness for that, I suppose.

Why am I not happy? Why do I wish to depart this spinning globe of water mixed with dirt? Honestly? You want the real answer…?

It’s because you’re not nice.

You keep telling me how to live my life, keep making up all things crazy rules about wrong versus right. And I can’t take the chaos. I think you’re mad. As in crazy, as in “mentally ill; disturbed.” I think you’re verifiably “deranged, demented, distorted.” Your reasoning is without love and it makes me want to get as far away from you as humanely possible. This is the truth. This is why I want to die - at times.

There is a place - a beautiful prism of light - where pain, where suffering doesn’t exist. I remember it. I’ve been there before and I want to go home. I want to dwell amongst the stars and cosmos free of this molecularly dense fortress; earth is a prison for some.

Suicide is not to blame. To be drained of the life force in this form… seems monstrous, seems an act of cowardice; but it’s not. All death is a disguise… a disguise for my rapturous release, for expansion. I am not meant to be contained… as you would have me; a pretty thing, one who conforms, one who shrinks to fit absurd, deceit-laden, societally admissible, neatly delineated, human molds; pigeonholed into groups, and labeled accordingly as dictated by “what I can currently understand versus what I am still learning to comprehend.” And I hate you for this. I hate you for making me feel small. Because in truth I am a star, a being of infinite enchantment, unfathomable size and untouchable power. I know this in my heart.

Here the rain falls, the river purls, the dust is swept up by winds, the sun shines… would I put a blade to my wrist? Yes. And yet… and yet… there is something, something… about the smile of a child that evokes, that demands curiosities be fed; it’s spellbinding… and it makes me want to cry. Perhaps to die, before it is my divinely woven time… perhaps to take my own life… would be to never know of what I am capable. Perhaps, in this form… I am not a captive but a magician. Perhaps I am not human but a mage disguised in flesh. Like death, perhaps I… am not what you think. Perhaps I am not what I’ve been taught to believe.

The fear of failure is immense, immeasurable. The fear of you rebuffing me, not wanting me as truly, as whole-heartedly I exist - is crushing beyond belief. I dream of merging the two; I dream of uniting heaven with this earth. I dream of a better world. My mission is pure. It is my courage I question.

So what is it, to be courageous? What is it to be “undeterred by danger, by pain?” What is it to step forward bravely, to step forward “ready to face and endure danger, and pain?” I know so little and yet I know this much:

Courage is to choose to smile… to choose a warm regard, a warm embrace for him, for her… courage is to choose to smile at that child in the mirror. And when that child is unkind, and when that child is not nice courage is to choose to forgive and step forward as a leader, as a member of The Merciful World. Bravery might also be spelled: “H-O-L-D space O-N.” Hold on… hold on to me. I’ve got you, and I will not let go. I am the voice in your heart… and I am stronger and more potent, more mighty, than any of those other noises, than any of those other voices in your ear… in your mind.

We all have a our magnanimous heart, we have all have this pulsing compass. So will you… join hands with me mighty creature born of stars, mighty soul with two legs, two arms, two blinking orbs… they call the glowing doorway eyes; will you unwind from the lies and recast with me a new reality? Will you choose to step forward bravely… build a new dream, a future for this planet devoid of barriers, borders and lines… devoid of divisive ideologies based on “skin-color,” based on “sexual preference,” based on “religious affiliation,” based on “political alignment,” based on “birth-place origin,” based on “vaccination status…” the list of possible categorical splits, “potential human differences” is infinite, goes on and on; so what? Will you choose to love with me? Will to choose to stay alive so that we might witness our greatest transformation yet?

The world needs us to show up as truly we are… we’re in crisis; the planet is dying, the climate is plummeting, we’ve seen only the first of many viruses (our tiny predators), and technology is tearing us apart. If not enough is done soon there will be starvation, massive storms, rampant wars, and the obliteration of so many innocent earth forms; including children, including innocents yet to be handed their chance… including the entirety of the human experience. If not enough is done soon there will be worldwide cataclysmic catastrophe; and we will not endure. The time to decide is NOW.

Dear humanity, dear human, dear whatever-your-name-might-be…” do you want to die??? Because we’re on the brink… we’re holding the gun, the knife, the bottle of pills, a gently quivering steering wheel, the whiskered rope, perhaps a smooth black cord… and what we do next is our choice. What we do always is a choice. We are powerful. And we are in control.

Dear Humanity… will you, in the name of billions yet to be born… will you hold on with me? We have one another, we have each each-other… let’s now use our hearts. I love you. I choose you.

I choose life.

I choose to live. May we endure together. For it is only now through a total unabashed surrender to togetherness, to what binds us - rather than to what divides us - that we will survive. Our life is in our hands.

Walk with courage, dear friend walk with love and your unwavering badge of forgiveness for all sins against your values and beliefs, for all wrongs to your humanity. Walk with a surrender to all the little moments we choose nice, to be kind. Walk with forgiveness for all that harms, that aches your broken heart and listen only - only - to that immaculate voice. There waits a paradise… within inner depths; at times shrouded but forever strong… within this pathway we must walk. Within this thumping core of the human experience. Within this thumping core of us all.

Walk with courage… step forward, as a champion of the heart. And I’ll step with you.